Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in big_cheese_007's LiveJournal:

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Monday, September 20th, 2004
1:58 pm	oh no I have burnt the beans and I am sick. Wish I could go running. For now it will be The Benjamins The art of disappointment. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
4:07 pm	The Big Sleep I was supposed to clean the house today. I was going to clean the house today but I fell asleep. I didn't go to the law library because I was so pissed off about riding my bike all the way downtown to the US post office to receive a package, which they couldn't find. Riding my bike caused my injured UPS arms to start sending shooting pains emanating from my elbow up my arm to my shoulder. I'm fixing that now with 3 painkillers. I cannot wait till I sep first when I can buy a nice new [firm] mattress. I think the reason that I am sleeping so much lately is because my mattress is as useful as an asshole on your elbow [woooo, killbill 2]. Other than all my unjustified whining things are spectacular. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 19th, 2004
2:19 pm	JDOFIJE*)#lkfjg984q4jlkdjf My mom just bought her and I Ani tickets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Two happy things in one day; Ani and mom! I am so excited I just had to tell someone! My mom is coming into town next weekend. Her and her friends want to go to a fancy restaurant, any suggestions? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 18th, 2004
2:44 pm	Digital I learned how to use the black/white and sepia features on my digital camera, as you can see from my user pic. I really want to get a photoshop program so that I can alter the colors and various other things on pictures since I am taking more now. If anyone has a photoshop program that they wouldn't mind letting me install I would love it! The social aspect of UPS is getting better everyday. The two girls whom I work with are talking to me and I can relate to them a lot. One of the guys invited everyone (including me) to a party at his house on Friday. I feel accepted, which actually makes work easier because I no longer feel judged and unappreciated. I hate the adjustment period when starting new jobs or anything for that matter. I am interested in joining GBLT or some kind of group that supports homosexuals and alternative life styles. I was looking through the U of M student groups last night and came across The Elevator Music Club.....oh yes, this is not a lie. I hope they don't support elevator music and the distribution of it, unless they are trying to put people to sleep. I can see the offshoot of this group: Music Played While On Hold Group. I will be getting my room back in 13 days! Although Jason has been a great roommate I like having my own private space that consists of more than a mattress on Lauren's floor. Here is a quote from The Multi Culti Boho Sideshow: "But these are mysterious times, confusing times, and I am like a leaf swooshing down the gutter in a torrent of rainwater and other debris, both organic and not." When I read it I related instantly. I feel it embodies this stage of life: finding yourself. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, August 16th, 2004
10:23 pm	Justice Served On the way home from work I saw justice prevail! As the light turned green and I hit the accelerator a lick nob decided to whip a right turn around the corner in front of me. I slowed down, trying to avoid an accident. Just as I was thinking to myself "What a dick" a police officer whizzed by me with his lights on and pulled the lick nob over! Yes, for the first time in my life God has answered. WOOOOOO, it made me feel good. Last weekend kicked ass. I went to 2 parties and met a whole bunch of new people. Lauren and M.A. have awesome friends. I have decided that there will be no more random making out sessions. I would like a real relationship that last more than a few hours. Work is going better. The girls are talking to me now! And I got invited to a work party on Friday. Now I can let them see what I really look like with out being covered in sweat and dirt. I can also talk to Joe, ah joe. :) I'm going to bed. Have a great night. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 12th, 2004
2:42 pm	MUST READ Working at the law library has finally paid off, in more ways than one. My boss showed me a web site www.addall.com it compares the prices and conditions of books from all the websites that sell books so you can find your text books for the cheapest price! It is amazing. Good luck everyone. Cheers (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
10:38 pm	Poem Shmoem Here is to your rituals and the changes you need and the needs you can’t change. RIPRAP Lay down these words Before your mind like rocks. placed solid, by hands In choice of place, set Before the body of the mind in space and time: Solidity of bark, leaf, or wall riprap of things: Cobble of milky way, straying planets, These poems, people, lost ponies with Dragging saddles— and rocky sure-foot trails. The worlds like an endless four-dimensional Game of Go. ants and pebbles In the thin loam, each rock a word a creek-washed stone Granite: ingrained with torment of fire and weight Crystal and sediment linked hot all change, in thoughts, as well as things. by Gary Snyder (Comment on this)
Monday, August 9th, 2004
11:45 pm	forgot I forgot to tell everyone to listen to this song The Reason by Hoobastank. I find it quite amazing. Here are the lyrics: "i'm not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you. and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be a reason to start over new, and the reason is you i'm sorry that i hurt you, its something i must live with everyday and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be a reason to start over new, and the reason is you i've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you" Kind of sappy but I love it, its even in my profile. for anyone who doesn't know my sc is gunthar5 but soon changing to grand_fromage. HOpe you like it lauren , heh :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:36 pm	Another bad day and I don't have to thank you I work hard, I thought that is what made you a good person; trying. I try to talk to my co-workers but somehow they just dont' want to talk to me. I dont' know why? I must not fit into the fucking UPS click or something. Maybe I am abnormal but I don't care anymore I would rather be abnormal and humane than inconsiderate like those people! On the way home one of those sappy sad songs came on and so did my emotions. They just spilled out of my eyes, there is something to be said about breaking down in your car (it makes driving much harder). *I know I've got a piece of my heart on the soul of your shoe* This seems like the place to just say shit. Sometimes you have to start talking; not knowing where it is going only to revel something that makes you feel better. But I dont' feel any fucking better. I feel like taking that same steak knife and slicing my arm wide open. Its been a year since I last put the metal to my skin. Punishment to my body was the only way that I could release my emotions, feelings, disapointment....don't worry it didn't hurt. Destroying myself somehow kept me alive, it gave me relief. Morbid? You don't have to tell me. I was so ashamed of it. I did everything to keep it hidden and now I don't care, I want everyone to know. I'm not going to hide anymore. You can all know and I will still be your equal. What I did is the same thing as being fat, smoking and binge drinking. They are all hurting yourself. * I know I would give anything not to feel so jagged* I want a person to relate to, talk to, hold. For now it will have to be my book which I am retiring to read right now. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 8th, 2004
11:41 pm	Neat-0 I finally did some research on memory. If yours is working you will remember my journal entry about why we remember some memories and don't remember others. I used the story about me peeing in my pants, I hope you all enjoyed and don't think that I am a weird-o. THe answer is that the human race doesn't know jack shit about our brains or how they work. But some studies have shown interesting insite into our minds and here is what they had to say: Backround Info [(lauren you should read this ...... :) ] Scientists have defined three unique types of memory. Working memory, which is processed in the prefrontal cortex coordinates long-term memories with sensory inputs ((1)). It allows us to keep a small amount of information active for a few seconds. It stores information needed only for a short time and provides a gateway to to long-term memory (). Long-term memory includes many things from one's knowledge of self the their understanding of how the world works. It is thought that long-term memory is processed in the hippocampus ((2), (3)). When a long-term memory is made, certain neuronal connections are strengthened, and others are weakend. These changes are fairly permanent, however some may take weeks or months before they are complete ((7)). Short- and long-term memory are grouped together and referred to as explicit memory because they both involve cognitive processes and in some cases concious thought to become established. A second category, implicit memory, is applied to a type of memory known as skill memory which does not require concious thought or control ((5)). Skill memory is processed in the cerebellum and then the information is passed the basal ganglia which store memories of this type and are also responsible for coordination and refining movement Study: Another, more recent study has delved into the molecular rather than physiological processes involved in memory. Scientists have identified the cyclic AMP-response element binding protein (CREB). It seems to be an esential part of building long-term memories. A study in 1990 on sea slugs showed that nerve cells involved in memory storage are disturbed when a CREB disruptor is added. In another study, researchers showed that altering CREB protein and protein receptor levels alters the speed at which memories are formed. A group of rats who had their CREB levels altered solely in the hippocampus also showed a decline in long term memory, implying that CREB and the structures of the hippocampus somehow work together to process and/or store long-term memories. The research into CREB and related proteins also suggests a possible biochemical cause of amnesia along with the already established cause of head trauma Results: we will continue to be mystified by the mechanisms involved in memory and saddened and bewildered by it's loss. I guess we do learn something everyday. Cheers :) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:25 pm	Everybody knows....it sucks to grow up I made it through the night w/o any vomit exiting my body! Hot shit. Last night was a blast and so is pizza luce, I highly suggest it. Today will be an exercise day to burn off the excess fun from last night that would otherwise want to attach itself to my ass. *Holy shit its hot in here* A new semester brings new guys...................hopefully to my classes. I think I have pretty good odds, 40,000 undergrads. At least 50% are guys, although I read that more women are attending college these days, Woohooo for women. And typically 51% of babys are female and 49% are males. What is a few percent more females when the number is so large, a minor detail. My bike is calling :) Cheers (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:13 am	all american rejected crunchy corn braN yeah so I'm drunk at 3:13 AM, I know *Holy FUck* Yes so jason is passed out on the floor, he is the best, especially durnk. heh. I had an encounter with the opposite sex tonight, it was wonderful. He was very attractive, even when I'm not drunk he was very attractive, with brown hair and eyes. So mary ann and lauren are eating crunchy corn bran and they are dropping pieces on the floor, the rejects, I just hope I am not a reject. Althought it is harder for me to communicate w/o alcohol I hope that is wasn't just the alcohol acting to persuade the acts tonight. Dinosaurs rule(might get a tattooo of one, probably not though). gnaw is wang backward, EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! How exciting, but that was marianne's discovery. I also love the discovery channel, incase you didn't know. So now I bought a new shirt and belt but does that equal (=) someone liking me.....................The world will never know. Possibly a physicist like hawking would know. :) Last note: *mmmmmmmm..............watery* (marianne said) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 16th, 2004
12:05 am	The Ascent of Natalie Text book ..........um, you can finish that. I am bored with all my music, yes once again. Give me artists to download, any will do! I am currently listening to Mason Jennings, I love his wholesome laid back style. It makes remember being at home with my family, probably because we used to listen to Bob Dylen and they have the same kind of style. I wish my parents were still togehter. I loved (heindsight) eating dinner togehter; BBQ chicken and Doritos! One of my favorite dinners, and my mom's too. I don't really remember anything bad about my childhood, well not too many things at least: 4 years old, with long brown hair that was always braided, I stood on a stool washing the dishes. I wanted to wash them, it made me feel proud. I could feel the urge to pee but my hands are all full of suds, heh, I like how they feel. Putting my hands in the warm water only makes me need to urinate more...But I can't stop doing the dishes, I want mom to be proud of me. No, stop, clenching muscles, no, no, no, no. It was inevitable. That is the only time I have ever peed in my pants. Well then and at the end of a long cross country race but that is a different story all together. I find is strange that I remember that situation, why? I hoped you liked the story. I will be out of town this weekend, not like many people call me anyways, I am moving my dad-ola. EEEEEEEEE, I am excited to see him. "Thats what I love about party mix, it can make you feel better or worse, you never know!" I leave you with these lyrics, very Mason-esque: Forty miles south of monterey and the san lucia hills The sunshine shone me to sleep, and i dreamt i was alive I sang myself a song, it went, know what you know, Stay when you stay, and go when you go And i call it intuition, flowers bloom and hummingbirds fly Yes, i call it intuition, it gets me by Sailing on a silver ship out to the open Lonely and realizing that our friendship's been broken And the funny thing to me is how quickly it slips away And leaves you thinking of the things that were never spoken And you know loving me is not enough And i know future is as future does Sailing on a silver ship out to the open Lonely and realizing that our friendship's been broken And the funny thing to me is how quickly it slips away And leaves you longing for the things that were never spoken And you know loving me is not enough And i know future is as future does Warm & Fuzzy (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 15th, 2004
12:57 am	Gary: "Meow" Nothing new here. S A M E O L D..........S A M E O L D................S T U F F I am reading a lot more, I knew there were words I didn't know BUT holy shit! I feel like I have barley scraped the english language. I would like to scrape some other languages too. The summer off is wonderful but I am also looking forward to learning again. I love classes! Now that I will be taking all CLA classes I hope to rais my GPA.....CLA = high GPA. Kind-of rhymes? Heh. I haven't had sex in a while, at least long enough to notice the fact that I haven't had sex. I think it is contradictory that women are sexualized on television but still cannot have an open sex life. There is still a negative connotation connected to women seeking sex or having sex with "random" or non-committal people. I wonder if that will ever change. I certainly wouldn't mind seeing men sexualized more on television. Time for bed........Off to my pineapple under the sea. Yellow, absorbent, and porous is me! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 9th, 2004
2:11 am	And this time of year is back. Here is a site from my dear friend Mike Anderson, yes he rules. I think is sums up what I think about everything, God I love outer space! We are all insignificant. Being happy is my goal. "OOOOOOOOOOooooo, Don't worry, Be happy" http://nineplanets.org/psc/pbd.html It isn't very long so you should read it. Humble yourself. It makes things like buying bananas seem wonderful. I love bananas :) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 4th, 2004
10:34 am	The Thrill Is Gone BAH! I am starting, oh wait, NO! I am done with guys. I am doomed to live a life of weight watchers and cribbage! So yeah, he never called last night after I called him yesterday morning and we made pseudo-plans. GOD, can someone, anyone be considerate enough to just tell me they don't like me like that. No, it must be much more fun to let me sit here and wonder and worry. FUCK. Maybe the dating world doesn't start till you are 21 so you can meet sleazy people at bars and night clubs. Have one night stands just to hear that they don't care about you either. Boys and girls just don't go together, I dont' know who every had that crazy idea. The thrill is definitely gone! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, July 2nd, 2004
12:16 am	Hope'n and wish'n So, I know I am wearing my heart on my sleeve but I can't help it and most of me doesn't want to change that. I miss the feeling of first falling in love with someone...the butterflies in your stomach and how nervous you are about calling them. I do feel that now, prematurly, but I don't know if it will be returned...god I hope it is returned. I wish I could express what I feel with out freaking the other person out. I can just imagine how good this relationship could turn out and how good I would treat him, but he doesn't know that. It seems to me that love is like weight loss, they both take a long time and I am very imaptient! I walk around and see a billion of people with gf/bf's.... I just SCREAM inside me head "How did they do THAT!" Ba-jesus! If he doesn't call, I might explode. Also what is it about getting your period and being all emotional! I dislike the connection. I almost cried in my truck today at work because my suppervisor had to keep coming and telling me that the other truck I was loading was overflowing. Not like he was yelling at me just telling me. But somehow I felt like he was disapointed. Anyways I leave you with this, something that can explain how I feel better than I probably can. :) I am getting ready for my lover, He is coming home to me tomorrow, I am getting ready for no other, He is, the sunshine in, the moonlight of my day. He as never had to disappoint me, He was the Sweetest thing, The neediest thing in my life, I am getting ready for my lover, He is, the sunshine in, the moonlight of my day. It's only fair that you be there with me, And hold my hand It's only fair that you be there with me, And understand It's only fair, if you really dare, To hold my hand It's only fair that you be there with me Pitum pitum pitum... ~Cranberries :) Good night all! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 26th, 2004
8:59 pm	Eeeeeeeeee Yippy! I had a date tongiht. It was so wonderful!!! I have not found anyone that I click with in a long time. His name is Angel and he is from Honduras, so he speaks spanish. We got coffee and walked around calhoun lake. We came back to my apt and he downloaded some salsa music, then he taught me how to salsa dance in my living room :) I'm glad none of my roommates were home. It was so cute and fun. I am so happy. I had to tell someone and I guess live journal is as good as anyone else. :) :) :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 25th, 2004
10:57 pm	Blind I work out....biking....breathing hard...wanting to improve myself. My endorphins are raging, I feel good. Wind against me, wind with me, I don't give a fuck I will ride through it all. Sweat makes me itch untill it is dripping down my face, my back, my legs. I load boxes for hours. It hurts my back and my legs but I like it. Makes me sweat more than cycling, makes me feel accomplished. Walls taller than me, boxes towering above me, I did that? I zone out in my own world occationally swearing when I drop a box on my foot or my head or my finger. God I hate pinching my fingers, it is like crushing your finger when it is cold... just hurts that much more. Dispite all of this, all of these endorphins and all my family and friends. Hmm, I miss my family. Even though I only really talk to my mom and dad. But anyways, dispite all of every kind of support or kind words spoken to me, I feel like my human worth is related to the pounds on the scale. After Charles "violated" me I wanted to be worthless, I didn't want anyone to like me. I ate everything, trying to decrease my worth. If I am unattractive then no one will want to touch me, God I hate him. I hate how he touched me and bit my neck, hated every second of it, shaking. Fuck him, I wouldn't care if he died. Now it will be a long process of increasing my worth. I wonder if it is society that makes women,.....and men, strive for a perfect they will never reach or if it our own doing since we are the ones who created our society. Maybe if we all ban together we can make cellulite and saddle bags acceptable to have in public. For now I will go back to self loathing. NOTE* THis is not spell checked, I am too lazy right now. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 30th, 2004
6:35 pm	Status Person Today a watermelon shared its taste with my mouth. It was quite exquisite! On my top ten list of things I enjoy, fruit would make the top 3...yep definitely! I went to the doctors office the other day to get birth control, an obviously uncomfortable situation with out even saying another word. For your sake I will say the other words: "Are you sexually active? How many partners? When was your last menstrual cycle? Can you just pull up your sleeve? Can you please scoot down more?" Yes, I think I have covered my most hated list of questions. The thing I dislike more than the question is the way that the nurse stares at you after she asks them. I feel the tension in the room so thick, as if I am being judged, a little girl in confession. This time was different, like the exquisite watermelon I had an exquisit doctor (oh my)! I'm not sure how to explain her, but the best way is that she was a person treating a person. Not a doctor treating a patient. She asked me what my major was and told me about her son. She explained to me my options as if she cared what I chose, if she didn't care she sure did fool me. She broke all the Doctor:Patient rules and we stood on equal platforms, talking as people. Though it was a short appointment and she will not remember me, I will remember her. There are few people in life who I, or anyone else, will see for but a moment, yet they will make an everlasting impact. Because of this interaction and the interactions of others; Julie my grade school teacher, my family, Lauren, and others who have truly made an impact on me, through years or in ten mins. I am going to change my major, from a indoor-computer-dependent-worker to a worldly-multi-speaking-traveler. I hope that I will find traveling and experiencing to be more valuable than an engineering salary. Even though expensive cars will always be cool. Cheers, Natalie. (1 Comment |Comment on this)